Sunday, 31 October 2010

Intimidation

I mentioned last time that this fellow...this chap...this love-of-my-life...intimidated me.

There was a strength of Iman, a firmness of faith, a trust in the Unseen, that I had never quite experienced before.

I still find it intimidating.

Now strange things are happening to me. I mentioned before that I struggle to get my prayers done. I've struggled for some time to make time for them in my daily schedule Astaghfurullah. I know how important they are. Some days/weeks are really good, and I feel happy that I'm back on the straight and narrow. Then I'll have a busy couple of days....I have to choose between going to bed or praying Isha, or being late to dinner with my friends or praying Maghrib...and **poof**...just like that I'm back to square one. No prayers for a couple of days until I shake my brain out of limbo and go get my wudhu on. Some days, I do Wudhu, and then decide I ain't got time to be holy. Shaytaan has a strong grip on me :(

For a while, I've contemplated a prayer buddy. You know, someone who could pester me politely to make sure I'm praying on time. An individual who wouldn't mind giving me a quick call in the morning to make sure I'm up for Fajr. But I don't know who to ask. It's a pride thing. How can I tell my friends that I'm struggling at one of the five basic foundations of my faith? On the Day of Judgement, I will be asked about my prayers. All this knowledge still hasn't developed enough fear in my heart to go and just pray.

The strangest thing is, I get the urge to be regular with my prayers a couple of days before I have my monthly blackout. Which is frustrating, because when I want to pray, I can't. I'm not using it as an excuse. I know I'm appalling.

During my most recent attempt to get myself into the good books, I sat there, trying to motivate myself. Giving myself all the usual reasons. And then I start thinking, "If you marry him, then he'll expect you to be praying."

Subhan'Allah.

I didn't expect my brain, my conscious, my pride to play such evil tricks on me. Now I struggle more. Not so much to pray. But because I don't know the intentions behind my prayers anymore. Am I just developing this habit to impress someone else?

I don't want to. I don't want to be praying for someone else. First and foremost, I'm sure that's some type of Shirk, and secondly, that's a rubbish reason to pray. I want my prayer to develop for the love of my Lord. I always thought that by the time I got married, I would be the person that I always wanted to be. Right now, I'm not that person.

7 comments:

рεяfεcтℓγ▪ιмpзяfзcт said...

So? Don't beat yourself up for this. Sure it's something your ashamed of, but we all have something to be ashamed of. Like me for example this morning I missed Fajr because I slept at 3 am in the morning, so now I am immune to my alarm :P To be honest when I pray my prayers I don't pray them sinceirly anymore, rather I am thinking of something that happened during the day or I am praying it soley for the reason to get it out of my way. IT SUCKS. I am having such an iman low it's not even funny or cute. I even wait till the last 15 or 20 minutes to pray a prayer before it leaves. Wallahy I used to pray them semi-ontime never last minute. I don't know what's happening. But just know you are not alone. I also know that I am going to miss a prayer, I worry over it when I am outside but then I'm like "nothing happened to me yet" Istagfirullah >:[ You know what made me happy to pray at times When I say "It's only 5 minutes for the sake of Allah who's made me happy and healthy my whole life, surely I can't return him the favour." Then I realize, damn it's just 5 miunutes and I am making the HUGEST deal about it. Also when I say, How can I be annoyed at praying when I was only created to pray, everything else should take a back seat. You know, think things like these and it gives you perspective. Insha'allah you work it out sweetheart. I won't say take your time cause allahu a3lam lol our death is a ticking time bomb, taking our time is really out of the question for this matter. So yeah "take your time" but at a 2X FF (fastforward) :P

OMG P.S Yeaaaah see when I do think about marriage, which is a couple of years mind you, I always say I don't want the religious one because lol what if he expects me to be all religious and give up the "fun" things in life. I want somebody like me! Still has the fun side plus religious side.

hijabi hippie hypo said...

omg im completely the same as you in terms of prayer! i understand exactly how much of an obligation it is, and normally i can get 2/3 read, good days 4/5 but on really stressful days i forget totally about them and just get on with work and revision and then i feel so bad, then im like do i kaza or make them up or not, and sometimes im too tired to read isha but thers no excuse since it starts at like 6:30pm!! plus i feel like ive lost the spirituality of prayer, im not feeling the same peace as i used to, its just for the sake of doing it now, and i keep making dua for it to get better and improve and for me to properly establish my prayers. it seems like such an uphill struggle.

With reference to you thinking of praying to impress this guy or because he prays you should pray, I'd say that intentions are very important. Renew and get your intentions right for prayer, and InshaAllah ill make dua for you. Another thing I'd say as far as relationships go, be yourself and don't try and be something you're not just to impress the guy, I dont mean that in a horrible way it's the best advice i can give, and it extends way beyond religious things.

Sara سارة said...

Assalaam Alaikum Red Berries,

I'm really happy to have stumbled across your blog! And of course follow you in your journey to finding 'the one'. Insha'Allah, it will offer me some much needed insight as well, lol.

In regard to your most recent post, I completely hear you. There was a time where I struggled with my prayers as well and even a point where (Astaghfirullah) I did not think of them at all. Things have since changed, but that doesn't mean Shaytan doesn't get the best of me every now and then. My recent struggles mainly have to do with praying on time, namely performing salah in earlier portion of the given time. Like Imperfectly Perfect at times I also tend to leave my prayers until near the end. Just know that you're not alone in this struggle and, like the reader above said, renew the intention for your prayers with utmost sincerity. At the end of the day keep in mind Allah (SWT) knows what is truly in your heart. I have a post on Khushu (devotion/humility) in prayer in my blog if that might help. =)

Also, I read through some of your more recent posts and wanted to make a comment about concerns about your current prospect. Firstly, it seemed like you were rethinking the commitment marriage entails in the post prior to this one. Obviously we know (though some of us have yet to experience) that marriage requires the right state of mind, which it seems to me like you're in. Having said that, do you think you might be holding back because you're uncertain of what the future with 'him' may hold? This pertains to Islam and otherwise.

Sometimes asking questions is the best way to seek the answer.

Love and Sugar said...

Salam sis,

Alhamdulilah we all go through that at times...I was just listening to a lecture on Khushoo' yesterday inshaAllah I'll share some of the tips he gave.

Pre-salah:
- Listen to the adhan, contemplate and stop doing anything while it is on.
- Make dua after adhan (the dua made after it and before iqamah is always accepted iA)
- Make wudu straight after adhan.
- Make dua after wudhu. Ask Allah (swt) to help you become a better Muslim, to give you righteous companions who will help you, and ask Him to renew your imaan, that's really important.
- Try and do more things to increase your iman, like dhikr, read more Quran, or listen to lectures etc the more iman you have, the lighter the prayer will be. It's not how strong or how fit we are to do prayers, even those people who exercise regularly may find it a chore to do, it's those who have strong iman that can pray with humility.

During Salah:
- Seek refuge in Allah from Shaytan
- Try your best to give Allah (swt) your full attention, as He is only asking you to pray 5 times a day, which takes only 5-10 mins for every prayer, thats not much at all when you think about it. Also think about the rewards of each prayer, 5 x 10 = 50. iA you'll get even more when you have more khushoo'.
- Remember that you are having a conversation with him in prayer. Whenever you recite Al-Fatiha, He answers you - there's a hadith on this. This is your moment to connect with your Creator.
- Make lots of dua in sujood, the best time to make dua.
- Try and read on the translation of what we recite in prayer. Contemplate over the meanings. Like for example, when you say Allahu Akbar, are you just saying Allahu Akbar or are you really thinking He is Great?
- Recite surahs at a slow and steady pace...it's also good if you learn the meanings/tafseer of the surahs you're reciting.
- Recite different surahs once in a while.

Post-Salah:
- Do additional voluntary salah
- Make dhikr after salah, recite SubhanAllah, Alhamdulilah & Allahu Akbar 33x each etc.

MashaAllah that was basically a reminder for myself first. Remember that if you make time for Salah in your daily life, everything else that happens on the day He will make it easier for you. Once you get into the habit of starting salah early, inshaAllah you'll start to feel guilty for when you do leave it to the last minute. And also if you pray additional salah, then you are less likely to miss you fard salah. In circumstances when you are in a hurry, the most you'll miss is your voluntary ones.

InshaAllah hope that helps. :)

Sara سارة said...

Wow, I'm so glad I came to check back on this thread. The above comment in and of itself was such a great read! JazakAllah for sharing the tips Love & Sugar! =)

Insha'Allah, hopefully it will help all of us perform the best of prayers.

Hijabi :) Nista said...

Mashallah I love your blog!!! <3 May be this is a sign or gift from Allah? Maybe the things you find intimidating in this man help and improve your faith which could be a good thing. But I understand where your coming from when you say you want to be improving your iman for the sake of Allah not because you have a point to prove. The fact that you feel guilt is a good thing because think about all the people out there who think about salat with a dismissive wave.Inshallah I wish you the best of luck with everything in the future and I'm making dua that you'll be on time for your prayers too :)

single4now said...

As salaamualaikum,

Loved love & sugar's comment. MashaAllah. With the comments, inshaAllah you had realized that you are not alone in this struggle. Our imaan level is always fluctuating. We all have highs and lows. But inshaAllah, make a conscious effort and promise to yourself that you'll do your best and you'll get better at it. A prayer buddy is actually great. I did that and it helped me alot. The other option is, if you are using firefox, there's a prayer reminder add on. It's called prayer times! It's constantly ticking away to remind you of your next salah & to finish praying all your prayers on time.

Inshallah, that helped. Good luck!