I mentioned last time that this fellow...this chap...this love-of-my-life...intimidated me.
There was a strength of Iman, a firmness of faith, a trust in the Unseen, that I had never quite experienced before.
I still find it intimidating.
Now strange things are happening to me. I mentioned before that I struggle to get my prayers done. I've struggled for some time to make time for them in my daily schedule Astaghfurullah. I know how important they are. Some days/weeks are really good, and I feel happy that I'm back on the straight and narrow. Then I'll have a busy couple of days....I have to choose between going to bed or praying Isha, or being late to dinner with my friends or praying Maghrib...and **poof**...just like that I'm back to square one. No prayers for a couple of days until I shake my brain out of limbo and go get my wudhu on. Some days, I do Wudhu, and then decide I ain't got time to be holy. Shaytaan has a strong grip on me :(
For a while, I've contemplated a prayer buddy. You know, someone who could pester me politely to make sure I'm praying on time. An individual who wouldn't mind giving me a quick call in the morning to make sure I'm up for Fajr. But I don't know who to ask. It's a pride thing. How can I tell my friends that I'm struggling at one of the five basic foundations of my faith? On the Day of Judgement, I will be asked about my prayers. All this knowledge still hasn't developed enough fear in my heart to go and just pray.
The strangest thing is, I get the urge to be regular with my prayers a couple of days before I have my monthly blackout. Which is frustrating, because when I want to pray, I can't. I'm not using it as an excuse. I know I'm appalling.
During my most recent attempt to get myself into the good books, I sat there, trying to motivate myself. Giving myself all the usual reasons. And then I start thinking, "If you marry him, then he'll expect you to be praying."
I didn't expect my brain, my conscious, my pride to play such evil tricks on me. Now I struggle more. Not so much to pray. But because I don't know the intentions behind my prayers anymore. Am I just developing this habit to impress someone else?
I don't want to. I don't want to be praying for someone else. First and foremost, I'm sure that's some type of Shirk, and secondly, that's a rubbish reason to pray. I want my prayer to develop for the love of my Lord. I always thought that by the time I got married, I would be the person that I always wanted to be. Right now, I'm not that person.