Tuesday, 22 June 2010

Down in the Dumps

My friend rang me today to tell me she's engaged.

She's the third person in my close circle to tell me this news in three months. And I want to be happy for her, I do....and I think I am. But deep down, I keep thinking..."When is it going to be my turn?"

When is Prince Charming going to come for me? Why do I have the torment of my closest friends telling me how happy they are that they've found 'the one' and are so happy?

Is this selfish? To think of myself when others are so happy?

I just don't know anymore. I know that if Allah (SWT) has written it for me to get married, then it will happen. I know no one plans like Allah plans. His plans are only to make us stronger, and bring us closer to Him. Yet still, I feel like I'm failing.

I'm failing on so many counts...I can't be happy for me friends...I can't stop thinking about myself....I can't stop doubting the plan Allah has laid down for me...

I think of the guys I gave up. Guys who loved me soo much. I know I gave them up for the right reasons...mainly that their relationship with Allah wasn't what I expected for a husband. But sometimes Shaitaan creeps into my mind, and casually whispers that perhaps, maybe, possibly...I could've made that sacrifice of my husband's deen because then I would HAVE a husband. A husband to take away the loneliness.

It's almost part of the problem...when my friends get engaged, I know that, to a certain extent, I'm losing them. I'm losing them to a guy, to the lifestyle of being married...which more often than not...seems like a distant dream for me. The relationship they have with their husband - our friendship is nothing compared to what that will be. For someone like me, that's always been alone...I'm just losing more and more...I try to be an independent woman, and a lot of people see me as such, but in reality...the companionship of my friends is so important to me. I don't think anyone understands me like they do.

I love my parents because Allah commands me to...but in truth, I consider a blessing that I haven't run away from home. Not that my parents are mean or anything, but they just don't understand me at all. They seem to be a world away from what I'm thinking. And even though they raised me, sometimes it feels like they don't even know me. So when my friends leave to go and live with their husbands...those pangs of loneliness have started kicking in already.

I don't mean to be jealous of them. I don't think I am. As in, I want them to be happy, and I wouldn't for a single moment, want them not to be happy. But I know that I don't want to be the last single girl standing.

I'm scared to pray for a husband. Because I know Allah plans best, and following my own desires may not be beneficial for me in the long run. I always (and I tell others to do the same) to pray for the best. 'The best' being the best outcome for me. The best way I can become closer to Allah and stronger in my Deen. Because I strongly believe that if I pray for a husband, there is a chance that Allah may answer my prayers and give me one...but what if I had waited, Allah has a better individual in mind for me? Even if I had to be unhappy for a while, and it means watching the closest people around me getting married while I stand alone on the sidelines...so be it.

The worst thing is...I know all this...I know Allah tests those whom He loves...but still, I find it so difficult.

4 comments:

Is-za Jelass said...

ahh sweets! You are a young beautiful woman and you are human. I don't think you are selfish at all. People want to be held and loved and cared for, if you didnt desire it that would be mroe strange. ANd I don't think you have bad inentions when it comes to your friends just because you sometimes reflect on your own situation. As long as you try to be happy for them thats noble in itself :).

im going to throw this out there but before I met my husband I talked to two guys. One of them confessed to me (quite surprisingly) that he loved me but then he wanted me to take the hijab off and date him...he even questioned me and said what makes you think any guy is going to wait until he marries you to be with you. I would be lying if i didnt lose some hope and question my own fate at the time.

If you feel down, be down, there is nothing wrong with feeling a little low. Just don't lose hope. Take this opportunity to do all that you can. I miss my singlehood and the uncertainty and the freedom of doing what I wanted whenever...now that i had to align my life with my husband I don't have the same amount of options and autonomy to just "explore." So just keep yourself really busy and make the man issue a small part of the wide array of activities you can get involved in. I hope that helps sister :)

perfectly.imperfect. said...

I like Is-za Jelass's advice. But to be honest. I think your just making this marriage thing a mountain when in reality it's a mole hill. I know marriage is like the most important thing for a girl but in really there are so many other things you can be focusing on.Who knows insha'Allah you might find a guy along the way. Don't get me wrong I love your blog (I read all your posts in like 10 minutes) I think that this blog might also cause you more of a headache in this hunt for marriage. Slow down, amigo there might be a day when you actually find mr.right where you will say to yourself "I wish I could get back all the time I wasted" Either way Allah will will for you to eventually have a husband or who knows maybe you might not see tommorow (Allah Forbid) Here's a tip although it will kill try to live as if it was decreed for you not to get married... It'll change your prespective alot.

here and there said...

I can totally relate to you on this. But I'm going to bet with you that one day when you do find your man, inshaAllah the right one for you, you will look back on this post and think about how silly you had been for being impatient. (I dont mean to be offensive here, please don't take it the wrong way). Allah has decreed a man for you and for all of us inshaAllah and we shouldn't hasten it nor should we prolong it. When it is our time, it will come inshaAllah. He is testing us with patience...and you know what, take this time to do things that will bring you closer to him. Because when your man comes, you'd wish for him to come later so that you can continue to have your moment with Allah. Sorry if this doesn't make sense. Focus on you, do things that make you happy. A man will see that in you - and love you for it.

:) I really like your blog mashaAllah. I feel like I'm reading my own posts. hehe

hijaabified.beauty said...

Salaam sis...

Trust me when I say that I completely understand where you are coming from. But honestly the above sisters have given good advice.

True story...when I got engaged, I suddenly started to think "my life as I knew it is over." not in a bad way, but in a way that now its not only me that I have to worry about, I had a second half, I could no longer do what I wanted to do just because. When I broke off my engagement, I was distressed (you read about it on my blog), but then I eventually saw the light and took advantage of the free time that I have by volunteering, memorizing Quran, hanging out with the few single friends that I have and just being me and trying my hardest to strengthen the relationship I have with Allah (SWT). I just pray that insha'Allah I will find a Husband along the way if it is meant to be.

Trust me when I tell you that it will happen when its meant to happen. There is wisdom in making you wait so long before you get married. Allah SWT is the best of planners.

Now there is a dua and I encourage you to pray it: "Rabbana hab lana min azwajina wa dhuriyyatina qurrata A'yunin waj'alna lil-muttaqina imama."

"Our Lord! grant us in our mates and offspring the joy of our eyes and make us patterns for those who guard against evil." (25:74)

There is nothing wrong with praying for a husband or anything for that matter. If Allah SWT feels it is fit for you, you will get it when He feels it is the right time, or you will receive it in jannah or it will be presented to you as hasanat. If you don't get it, it was better for you.