My friend rang me today to tell me she's engaged.
She's the third person in my close circle to tell me this news in three months. And I want to be happy for her, I do....and I think I am. But deep down, I keep thinking..."When is it going to be my turn?"
When is Prince Charming going to come for me? Why do I have the torment of my closest friends telling me how happy they are that they've found 'the one' and are so happy?
Is this selfish? To think of myself when others are so happy?
I just don't know anymore. I know that if Allah (SWT) has written it for me to get married, then it will happen. I know no one plans like Allah plans. His plans are only to make us stronger, and bring us closer to Him. Yet still, I feel like I'm failing.
I'm failing on so many counts...I can't be happy for me friends...I can't stop thinking about myself....I can't stop doubting the plan Allah has laid down for me...
I think of the guys I gave up. Guys who loved me soo much. I know I gave them up for the right reasons...mainly that their relationship with Allah wasn't what I expected for a husband. But sometimes Shaitaan creeps into my mind, and casually whispers that perhaps, maybe, possibly...I could've made that sacrifice of my husband's deen because then I would HAVE a husband. A husband to take away the loneliness.
It's almost part of the problem...when my friends get engaged, I know that, to a certain extent, I'm losing them. I'm losing them to a guy, to the lifestyle of being married...which more often than not...seems like a distant dream for me. The relationship they have with their husband - our friendship is nothing compared to what that will be. For someone like me, that's always been alone...I'm just losing more and more...I try to be an independent woman, and a lot of people see me as such, but in reality...the companionship of my friends is so important to me. I don't think anyone understands me like they do.
I love my parents because Allah commands me to...but in truth, I consider a blessing that I haven't run away from home. Not that my parents are mean or anything, but they just don't understand me at all. They seem to be a world away from what I'm thinking. And even though they raised me, sometimes it feels like they don't even know me. So when my friends leave to go and live with their husbands...those pangs of loneliness have started kicking in already.
I don't mean to be jealous of them. I don't think I am. As in, I want them to be happy, and I wouldn't for a single moment, want them not to be happy. But I know that I don't want to be the last single girl standing.
I'm scared to pray for a husband. Because I know Allah plans best, and following my own desires may not be beneficial for me in the long run. I always (and I tell others to do the same) to pray for the best. 'The best' being the best outcome for me. The best way I can become closer to Allah and stronger in my Deen. Because I strongly believe that if I pray for a husband, there is a chance that Allah may answer my prayers and give me one...but what if I had waited, Allah has a better individual in mind for me? Even if I had to be unhappy for a while, and it means watching the closest people around me getting married while I stand alone on the sidelines...so be it.
The worst thing is...I know all this...I know Allah tests those whom He loves...but still, I find it so difficult.