Thursday, 1 July 2010

Islamic Event Dating...Part II

At this point, I'm so confused. So bewildered. I have this repetitive cycle of questions running through my head...

What did I say to make this happen?
What was I wearing?
Is he some random who goes to Islamic events trying to pick up girls?
Why am I so untrusting of a fellow Muslim?
Am I even ready to get married?

I can't even explain to you how the situation concerned me.

I was reading the comments from the last post, and I was amazed some people thought it was romantic. Seriously guys, it didn't even cross my mind. Although looking back, I guess it kinda was. :P

But, at the time, I was so confused. I mean, you hear about so-and-so who saw their future spouse accross the room and 'just knew' they were meant to be together...but was that meant to be this? Was I meant to have a gut feeling about the guy I spoke to for less than five minutes? And was it awful that I didn't?

I felt so guilty that I had no feelings about this brother. Worse still, because a group (three of them) came in together, I couldn't even be sure who this dude was. This couldn't be my future. This couldn't be the story I tell my grandkids. 

I don't know where the romantic in me went...I was so scared.

So I spoke to a few select individuals. Not people that I would normally disclose such sensitive information to...but rather people that I thought would give me sound, impartial advice (and also didn't know my circle of friends, thus preventing any chance of information leaks).

My common sense was telling me that disregarding this guy without even doing the basic groundwork on who he was would be beyond ignorant. Just because I didn't automatically feel a pull towards him, doesn't mean that I never could. On further research, I found a hadith that re-iterated my own feelings, which only persuaded me more towards him.

I think it's important to say at this point, I didn't tell my parents. This guy...this unknown...he was such a liability. I didn't want to give the wrong impression about what goes on at ISoc events, and I didn't even know how serious he many risks to present to a set of parents who view as every guy as the enemy trying to steal their daughter away.

So, I initiated contact...and I prayed that I would have the sight to see the right path.

From the outset, I didn't feel anything. I ask my friends who are married how they knew their husbands were 'the one' for them, and they tell me "I just knew".

With this guy, at no point did I feel like I 'knew' he was the one for me. To be honest, I didn't even feel like I clicked with him. Don't get me wrong, he was lovely and polite, said all the right things, told me he did all the right actions. But...there was something missing. The spark.

I began to doubt my own Iman. How could I be a good Muslimah if I wasn't attracted to a seemingly pious Muslim who wanted me to be his wife? Maybe subconsciously I was looking for other attributes than piety? And if I was, what were these attributes?

To say 'no' to a guy is difficult. But it's not impossible.

I don't think I made a mistake by ending things because there was no spark. There has to be a magic 'something' between two people for them to be able to last a lifetime together. It's not a risk I was willing to take. Sure, that conversation was awkward...but it had to be done. Better sooner than later, because I most certainly don't think there's any benefit in dragging these things out when one person is certain it's not going to work...there's no benefit to either individual, and it can create false illusions.

 Afterwards, I pondered over everything that had happened, and I came to the conclusion that it's not wrong to make a decision based on other factors than a person's Deen. In many ways, I've been blessed because most of the Muslim guys I've met whilst growing up have been pious and eager to learn more about their faith, so I take them as a standard...I guess I'm being picky about the optional extras.

The optional extras are not anything to do with age, colour, parents, background etc...basically, I can't make a decision on something the poor lad has no control over, e.g. how tall he is, what his parents do for a living, where he was born etc....but I think it's valid to take his own personal choices into how he chooses to support himself and his future family, his sense of humour, his appearance (by appearance, I mean how he chooses to groom himself, not how pretty God chose to make him)...because all of these little things can give hints and clues about a guy's character. I'm not saying that if a guy has a beard then he's pious, nor am I saying someone in a shirt is a professional....just the combination of his personal choices can give an impression on the sort of man he is. Whether he knows it or not.

[Disclaimer: The brother in question was not given a negative response due to his beard or his dress sense. These are general comments and examples.]


Effervescent said...

Salaam.. aww that chapter closed quik, thats good though like you said about false illusions, I totally agree with that.

And also totally agree with not wanting togive parents the wrong impressions of Isoc, my deaar mother already seems to be having negative felings toward uni because I dont want to marry my cousin! uni or no uni, my answer would still be no, anyway thats beside the point.

I think it's good you ended things quickly and didnt linger around, there was no time for emotions and attachment to build from either side which im sure made the situation a lot easier.

however, if he had all the things you were looking for in a husband but he only thing missing was the 'spark' would you turn the offer down? the connection is a big thing, because thats what sort of attracts you and keeps you close to the person especially at the start of the relationship.

I'm not too sure about my views on the connection stuff though so I will leave my response like this. Something to think about. Many more will come your way so it doesn't matter, this is the start of the journey of finding a man who will be a suitable means for you to reach to your destination : Allah.

And it is good to renew intentions for marriage, we do it not for the fairytale kinda sotry, not so we can look back and think 'aww everything was wonderful' nothing in life is smooth, and marriage is not a final goal, it is more of a means to reach your goal.

and someone else will come along who you will definately feel a connection with inshaAllah. hold tight because this process will teach you alot and as cliched as it is, it is like a rollercoaster.


here and there said...

Yay part II!

lol! This post totally reminds me of the exact situation during eid last year. I was having a bake stall with a few friends and we had been baking practically the whole few days before that so we all only had less than three hours sleep on Eid day. (how sad right?!). Then out of the blue, my friend told me that there's this brother who seems to like my appearance and was interested in marriage. (I thought I looked dead tired that day lol) Anyway, I was so caught off guard. I mean this dude whom I barely even know...sees me for 10 minutes and spoken to me for less than 5 seconds now wants to ask for my hand in marriage? I was just into the deen then and I wasn't ready to get married. And I didn't feel that connection with him. I didnt feel attracted to him. So I had the same thoughts as could I reject him just because I didnt like him, what if I'll grow to like his character or manners? I was confused. I liked the thought of getting married but I had always assumed that it would be with someone I could get along/compatible with. So then all I did was pray istikhara and by this stage my parents knew because my sister told them, so they too found out more info about him and it turns out that there were more cons than there were pros. So we made our decision on that basis.

haha yeah it's just so random. But really the best thing to do is to ask Allah for guidance, n he'll show you the right path inshaAllah. Only He knows best...

I think when you first meet's hard to just know that they're right for you. You'd have to take the time to get to know them, everything they want in life and then you'll know whether you're compatible. I know it's hard, even I'm afraid. But it's exciting when you do meet the right one. :)

*Sorry for the long comment :P

Aminah said...

I think you made the right decision. You have to feel the chemistry before you move on to the person's personality.