At this point, I'm so confused. So bewildered. I have this repetitive cycle of questions running through my head...
What did I say to make this happen?
What was I wearing?
Is he some random who goes to Islamic events trying to pick up girls?
Why am I so untrusting of a fellow Muslim?
Am I even ready to get married?
I can't even explain to you how the situation concerned me.
I was reading the comments from the last post, and I was amazed some people thought it was romantic. Seriously guys, it didn't even cross my mind. Although looking back, I guess it kinda was. :P
But, at the time, I was so confused. I mean, you hear about so-and-so who saw their future spouse accross the room and 'just knew' they were meant to be together...but was that meant to be this? Was I meant to have a gut feeling about the guy I spoke to for less than five minutes? And was it awful that I didn't?
I felt so guilty that I had no feelings about this brother. Worse still, because a group (three of them) came in together, I couldn't even be sure who this dude was. This couldn't be my future. This couldn't be the story I tell my grandkids.
I don't know where the romantic in me went...I was so scared.
So I spoke to a few select individuals. Not people that I would normally disclose such sensitive information to...but rather people that I thought would give me sound, impartial advice (and also didn't know my circle of friends, thus preventing any chance of information leaks).
My common sense was telling me that disregarding this guy without even doing the basic groundwork on who he was would be beyond ignorant. Just because I didn't automatically feel a pull towards him, doesn't mean that I never could. On further research, I found a hadith that re-iterated my own feelings, which only persuaded me more towards him.
I think it's important to say at this point, I didn't tell my parents. This guy...this unknown...he was such a liability. I didn't want to give the wrong impression about what goes on at ISoc events, and I didn't even know how serious he was...to many risks to present to a set of parents who view as every guy as the enemy trying to steal their daughter away.
So, I initiated contact...and I prayed that I would have the sight to see the right path.
From the outset, I didn't feel anything. I ask my friends who are married how they knew their husbands were 'the one' for them, and they tell me "I just knew".
With this guy, at no point did I feel like I 'knew' he was the one for me. To be honest, I didn't even feel like I clicked with him. Don't get me wrong, he was lovely and polite, said all the right things, told me he did all the right actions. But...there was something missing. The spark.
I began to doubt my own Iman. How could I be a good Muslimah if I wasn't attracted to a seemingly pious Muslim who wanted me to be his wife? Maybe subconsciously I was looking for other attributes than piety? And if I was, what were these attributes?
To say 'no' to a guy is difficult. But it's not impossible.
I don't think I made a mistake by ending things because there was no spark. There has to be a magic 'something' between two people for them to be able to last a lifetime together. It's not a risk I was willing to take. Sure, that conversation was awkward...but it had to be done. Better sooner than later, because I most certainly don't think there's any benefit in dragging these things out when one person is certain it's not going to work...there's no benefit to either individual, and it can create false illusions.
Afterwards, I pondered over everything that had happened, and I came to the conclusion that it's not wrong to make a decision based on other factors than a person's Deen. In many ways, I've been blessed because most of the Muslim guys I've met whilst growing up have been pious and eager to learn more about their faith, so I take them as a standard...I guess I'm being picky about the optional extras.
The optional extras are not anything to do with age, colour, parents, background etc...basically, I can't make a decision on something the poor lad has no control over, e.g. how tall he is, what his parents do for a living, where he was born etc....but I think it's valid to take his own personal choices into consideration....like how he chooses to support himself and his future family, his sense of humour, his appearance (by appearance, I mean how he chooses to groom himself, not how pretty God chose to make him)...because all of these little things can give hints and clues about a guy's character. I'm not saying that if a guy has a beard then he's pious, nor am I saying someone in a shirt is a professional....just the combination of his personal choices can give an impression on the sort of man he is. Whether he knows it or not.
[Disclaimer: The brother in question was not given a negative response due to his beard or his dress sense. These are general comments and examples.]