Sunday, 6 February 2011

Apologies, Forgiveness, Laughter, Smiles, The End?

Mr RedBerries apologies for scaring the life out of me. He said some stuff happened with someone close to him, and he panicked...because he didn't want that happening with us.

I had the biggest rant ever.

I don't think I've ever ranted that much at someone who wasn't my immediate family. In the long term, it might be good, because at least he knows that I'm a whole pile of crazy. In the short term, it might cause him to run away.

But seriously, I had such a massive tantrum. Who does he think he is? To treat me like that? Like a commodity he no longer needs? I can't even explain how upset I was.

Mr RedBerries is awesome. He apologised like crazy. Told me he was crazy. To excuse his crazy.

I don't want to excuse his crazy. I can't forget what he said. I really want to though. I really want us to be alright laugh smile again...I want us to be US again.

It's so strange. A really big part of me knows that we're going to be together forever, despite the odds and the challenges that we face, but another part of me, equally as big, doesn't trust him anymore. I guess I didn't know I trusted him, until he broke my trust.

His apologies, no joke, they were just like empty words to me. I wanted to see meaning behind them, and I wanted to feel like they could heal the wounds that he had made...but they didn't. Just words on an e-mail. Empty letters.

I'm so frustrated. We were on the final lap...the last straight...just one more push until the end...(sorry for the awful metaphors, I'm just really annoyed about everything right now)...and he just messed it up. Between us. His words. They're so sweet, but no saccharine. The perfect mix of knowing all the right things to say, and knowing the right way to say them. A month ago...I would've melted upon reading them. Now...there's nothing. Because nothing makes up for having doubts in us. When our road is so hard, having doubts in us isn't the way forward. It's not the way it's meant to be.

Guys are meant to be strong. To hold things together, when others cannot. All my life, I've had to be strong when others were weak. I don't want my marriage to be like that. I don't want that to happen for the rest of my life. I'm tired of being strong. Sometimes, I want someone to lean on. Someone to turn to. Someone who can tell me it's all going to be alright. I don't want to have to beg my husband to stay with me. I want him to be with me because he *loves* to see me everyday. Because I make him happy. Because he knows, just like I know, that we're meant to be together, by the Grace of Allah. I don't want any compromise on that. I can't compromise on that.

I hate this indecisiveness that's crept into my soul.


Is-za Jelass said...

Congrats! you had your first real altercation which is always an opportunity to learn. Don't forget deary to say inshallah ( a lot) nothing is guaranteed without Allah swt.

xxcomplicationsxx said...

tsk.. tsk.. tsk..Mr.Redberries.

I totally understand when you say that you dont trust him anymore. It's hard to push aside what someone did to you, but just sit down and honestly debate about whether he is honestly worth gaining your trust again.

Also give him the opportunity to prove himself. Because if it was you had panicked, would you want a second chance?

Remeber he is human, and everyone makes mistakes.

LOOL love the metaphors! :D

Anonymous said...

i dont want to sound like im against him cause i dont know the dude and for all I know he could be a good guy and I don't know exactly WHAT happened, and i dont want to seem like im giving him the benefit of the doubt but if he panicked and didn't know how to deal with it thus dealing it in the way that ended up hurting you it sounds a bit sketchy but maybe like complications said maybe he deserves another chance to prove himself to you ... but if he's a smooth talker LOL that's a whole other story but what i only wanted to say was .... he wrote that in an EMAIL? not face to face? WHAT? No No No that's being, excuse my language, a bitch! I would have given him extra credit if it was face to face but an e-mail? He coulda took an hour to find the right words to say to you ANYONE CAN!

Okay and i apologize if you got offended by anything I said because like I said I don't know the guy and he sounds cool and he just made a mistake but it's my opinion on the topic thats all^_^

Hijabi :) Nista said...

Hopefully inshAllah Mr.Redberries will improve :)

Anonymous said...

i'm happy to hear from you. Sometimes, guys forget how sensitive we are. and we tend to cling on to those feelings. He needs to be reminded of that, so iA, he knows how to handle it in future. but I hope all is well with you.

much dua.


Hamid said...


When people whom you are interested in, walk away from you, do not stop them, let them go away.Your destiny is never tied to someone who leaves you and it dosen't mean they are bad people. It just means that their part in your life story is over ~Hamid