Tuesday, 17 August 2010

Like, Dislike, Deal-Breaker

 I have a theory.

[This theory applies to girls as well as guys, but for the purpose of this article, I'm going to stick with the sisters perspective.]

When a girl is looking to get married, there are things that she will like and dislike about any potential future spouse. But there's a couple of things that are 'deal breakers'.

Deal breakers can be anything. But in my personal opinion a deal-breaker shouldn't be a factor that the poor fellow can't change. For example, his ethnicity. Or his age. Or what his parents do for a living. Or how many older/younger siblings he has. Or where he lives.

When I first started thinking about getting married, I don't think I even had any idea of what a deal-breaker could be. I just kept thinking 'If he's nice, and he's Muslim, then that's good enough for me'. But it's not. It's so so so not.

Now I have a completely different view. My friend once told me that I'm being unbelievably picky, and that I should lower my standards. But I'm proud of who I am, and what I want, and I know I won't be happy otherwise. I don't making a compromise, as long as I choose to make it, rather than being forced because there's no other options.

Now I think that being nice and being a Muslim should be the base requisites of what my husband should be. As in, there are so many other things that I really need in a husband. I really need him to be praying regularly five times a day, because I'm so terrible at it. I would like for him to be a calm-tempered sort of fellow, because I have a tendency to blow up at people, and I don't think it would be a healthy relationship if we were screaming at each other all the time.

But at the same time, if he was hot-tempered and not praying regularly, that wouldn't be the end of the conversation. By having those faults that I see in myself, maybe I would adjust, and attempt to rid myself of them. You see, they're not deal-breakers.

A deal-breaker is something that cannot be adjusted, no matter how hard you try. For one of my friends, she really really REALLY wants her husband to have a beard. I think she sees it as a sign of a guy's Iman (Just for the record, I don't). So if a dude turned up who was a religious Muslim, a practising doctor of Punjabi ethnicity a couple of years older than her without a beard....then she would say no. Because a beard is that important to her. (The gentleman I have described is her perfect husband btw.)

To me, a deal-breaker is something a little more complex than that. I would never marry a man who wouldn't want me to work, or who would want us to live with his parents, or who couldn't make me laugh and get my sense of humour. I couldn't spend the rest of my life with him if he didn't value his religion more than anything else, if he had no culture, or if he wasn't proud of his roots (whether they be from the East or the West).

Because these are things that I couldn't live with. They are not inherent qualities, or factors that are out of his control. These are choices that he will have to make.


Anonymous said...

i like your posts A LOT! They're like what you actually think, if you get what I'm saying. I hope that made sense, sounds good in my head to me. See when I rarely and I mean rarely talk to my parents about a guy or my ideal sorta husband. My dad has this high standards when it comes to my future husband that I go ...... wtf, okay. Half of what he describes are deal breakers, his idea life for me: Married at 28, Working doctor, kids at 30. To me that's the equivalent of suicide. Wallahi, I'm not exagurating in the least. I'm not picky, at all. I don't look for much. Because then I'll be setting my self up for failure with my standards touching the roof, I'd have to conjure up mr.'right' :P If the guy can provide n dosent mind my bad cooking then hey score!

Love and Sugar said...

^perfectly.imperfect: what happened to your blog? It says that Blogger not found or something :(

MashaAllah...I can relate alot to this post too. I guess I still don't know what my deal breaker is just yet...I have all these qualities and characteristics in mind, but I guess I'll never know until I meet the right one. :)

Anonymous said...

hm, it's probably because I changed the domain name

its www.thatsssjusthowiroll.blogspot.com

Anonymous said...

Awesome post!

I think my deal breaker would be anything that the guy FORCES on me. If i detect that DOMINATING sorta nature which stinks of male chauvinism, that'll be the end of it. Or a guy who wants to marry a woman but who despises women! Yea, they really exist! So even if he's very religious, rich, good-looking bah blah and has these in him, Toodles!

Shahirah Elaiza said...

Came across your blog from Here and There's blog =)

LOVE your posts and the way you write, mashaAllah. Finding Mr. Right is quite an "adventure" lol. One day when you're married inshaAllah you'll be looking back at all these posts and smile.

A deal breaker for me is a guy who is too young or immature. Someone who doesn't love and respect his family or mine. Someone who doesn't believe in the importance of women educating themselves. Oh and someone with poor hygiene!

Shahirah Elaiza said...

Aside from things such as not being a practicing Muslim, of course =)

RedBerries said...

perfectly.imperfect - My dad is so like that as well...but he tries to be all liberal and accepting of guys from all backgrounds and cultures ("I don't mind who he is, as long as you're happy") except that when someone turns up who's not Indian, not a doctor, and not older than me, he's can't stop thinking of reasons why we wouldn't make a good couple. :P

Love and Sugar - It might sound strange, but I think I realised all my deal-breakers talking to all the WRONG guys. Because I realised the topics that we disagreed on were topics that I wasn't willing to compromise on. Or that aspects of their character that I disliked were aspects that I couldn't live with.

Splendid - I so totally agree. I'm a bit of an alpha-female, don't think I could handle a dominating husband. In fact, women who let themselves be dominated infuriate me. Even though they are entitled to make that choice.

Shahirah - LOL about the poor hygiene thing! I think that might be a deal breaker for me too :P

Salam x