Sunday, 30 May 2010


This post wasn't really due for a couple of days, but I think because I intended the last post to incorporate this post, it didn't really make a lot of sense on its own. Almost like I was warbling a little. What I was trying to say, unsuccessfully, is that not every girl is the same, and therefore she looks for difference characteristics in a man.

Maturity is subjective...I mean, a guy could be mature for his age, but then the girl may be super-mature for her age, and therefore the guy is too immature for her. BUT, that may be what the girl wants. And I can almost hear the cries of despair now - "Who wouldn't want their husband to be mature?" - but personally I'm quite concerned about having a father-figure type husband. Too mature for me.

Age is one of the trickiest things in life. Although in the early years of our lives, everything is defined by age, for example, the schooling system, when we can vote, when we can get married (following the Western legal system)...after the age of twenty or so, age becomes pretty irrelevant in most things. In the contemporary workforce, age no longer means a better worker, experience counts far more. Our abilities define us more as we get older than our age. Which is good.

So why are we so obsessed with it when we're looking for the perfect spouse? I wouldn't be...if it weren't for a number of experiences I've had, which have left a sour taste in my mouth about the whole thing, and a decided lack of understanding about why it's so important for some people.

There was this guy. Let's call him Rahul.

Rahul's mother was a friend of a friend of my mum's. So I've never met her, nor Rahul. My mother's friend must have been having matchmaking dreams as she suggested me to Rahul's mother as a potential for her son. Now, I don't mind that she did this, because I'm sure her intentions were clear, but it would have been nice to be asked first. Because I wasn't consulted before she started giving our number out left, right and centre, and nor did we ask her to matchmake for me. But, khair, what's done is done.

Rahul was over thirty. At the time of this proposal, I was barely twenty. So obviously, a little freaked out that
a) I was on the marriage market without my knowledge
b) I was so unattractive to guys within my age range
c) I looked so old I was attracted older guys

Seriously, freaked me out to no end. Ergo, immediately I declined.

But this woman; Rahul's mother, was so insistent. Like she had already decided that I was going to be her daughter-in-law. This woman had NEVER met me. She didn't know what I looked like, or my mannerisms, or my character. She was just attracted by whatever this random family friend had been saying about me. It is worth noting that I had only known this family friend for a couple of months, so I'm still a little speculative about what she actually knew about me.

At this point, I want to give you guys an idea about the kinda community I come from. It's a fairly small community, most of the families originate from the South Asian continent, though not from a specific country or area within a country. Alongside myself, there are at least 7 other girls who are marriagable age; two older, three the same age as myself, and the rest younger. So even my mother was asking the question - why my daughter? What does she have over all the other candidates?

The fact thet were persisting over the meeting with me kinda pushed my mummy to just ask them. All these girls, I've known them since I was a young lass, they're all from decent families, are of nice character, and all are getting a university's a bit strange that Rahul's family aimed at me, when they could have had any of us.

And this is where it got wierd. Rahul's mother kept insisting (over the phone, I thank the Lord I never had to meet her), that I was the only one suitable for her son because I was the only one who was 'marriage material'. Like what does that mean? It turns out that because of the nature of my degree, she was interested. Because most of the other girls are doing 'subjects' at uni...e.g. chemistry, english etc...whereas I was doing a degree at which the end of I would be in a profession inshA.

I'll be honest, the fact this woman was judging me and my friends upon minor characteristics like these was not appealing. And the fact that she was negating a whole bunch of awesome people just because she was being fussy about the nature of their education just makes me really irritated. So I just said no no no no. But then I felt guilty. Because I'd negated poor Rahul just because of his age. Which really was an indication of nothing, and is an arbitrary measure of what a person has done with their life.

Do I think I made the wrong decision? Hell no. The mother was a nightmare, and that's enough to put anyone off. But do I wish I'd at least given the poor fellow a chance? Sometimes. But honestly, not really.


Is-za Jelass said...

Wow interesting sister. Yeah that seems kinda odd that the one factor that this woman was going off of was your degree...I mean was it because she knew you'd be making more money or something? (compared to the other girls) It sounds odd and considering the desi culture it wouldn't even make sense to say that you could avoid her, you can't if she were to be your mother in law it could amount to some drama :/....just my thoughts :)

Effervescent said...

Education is something the Asian parents think very highly of, they judge people based on this (as you experienced) even with my mum when shes talking about guys she does ALWAYS mention things like 'hes got a degree' 'he done computer engineering' 'he hasnt even got a degree' 'he didnt even study'... But none of it really matters to me cos theyr more proposals for my sis as shes older!...But education is important, mainly in relation to the guy because he's going to be the one who needs a gd job in order to keep the family financially stable. I didnt think its a biggy whether a girl has a education or not (although some people like their daughter/ daughter-in-law to have a degree due to reasons of pride, family status, from what ive experienced anyway)

Its s shame though, people look less at islamicness and more to these worldly things. :|

single4now said...

LOL! Wow, I have an exact same story. Mother was set on me being her daughter-in-law & even had a date fixed for the wedding. =/ We had never met. She seemed a little too bossy. I wonder if the guy even had a choice to reject me or accept me. As far as I remember, he was perfectly fine except I had no idea how religious he was. In order to do that, I wanted to speak to him which the mother didn't want happening. Go figure. That set off alarm bells in our minds and we rejected the proposal. A yr later, she's back again asking if I want to marry her son. =/ It was again rejected calmly and she's stayed away. I never got a chance to know the guy but somehow I don't regret it either.