Tuesday, 20 July 2010

Chinese Whispers

There's this thing that Muslims do called Chinese Whispers proposals.

It usually involves about 5 or 6 people. 2 of which are a potential bride and a potential groom.

So here's how it goes.

Abdul is the potential groom. He likes Yasmine, which makes her the potential bride.

But Abdul doesn't want to approach Yasmine directly. [There are any number of reasons why he is unwilling or unable to do this, use your imagination, I'm not going to dwell on it too much.]

Abdul then confides in his friends; Yahya and Isa.

Yahya and Isa are friends with Sadia. And Sadia is friends with Yasmine.

Ergo, Yahya and Isa ask Sadia if Yasmine would be interested.

Sadia then asks Yasmin if she's interested in Abdul, our potential groom.

I've drawn a really awful diagram to try and simplify this.

The reason I'm even talking about this is because very recently, I was Yasmine.

And trust me when I say this: It's not nice to be Yasmine. I was very unappreciative of the fact that two complete randoms and a friend knew that I was being proposed to before I did. It also said a lot about Abdul's character that he couldn't ask me himself. 

In Islam, it is perfectly acceptably to use a intermediate to handle marriage situations in a discrete and subtle manner. But to involve three (and possibly more, if my suspicions are correct) people to communicate a potential interest is really really really unnecessary.

If the brother involved was really shy, or didn't want to upset the sister in any way...I mean, like I said before, there a thousand reasons why he wouldn't want to ask her directly, then by all means, use a go-between to make sure things go smoothly. But there is no need to have so many people involved not only complicates things, but doesn't increase the baraqah in any transactions that may take place after this. 

By involving Isa, Yahya AND Sadia, all this guy did was open up my private life to three people that usually wouldn't know anything about it. And yes, I do consider even potential marriage proposals as my private business.

What irked me even more was that there was no relationship between Yahya and Sadia, or Isa and Sadia, that made it more halal for them to speak about the potential between us. And I know for a fact that Abdul didn't speak to Sadia, so really it was a very modern game of Chinese whispers. Sadia and Yahya and Isa are all just friends, not related in any way, so it would have made more sense for Abdul to speak to Sadia directly if he felt the need for her to ask me.

To top it off, Sadia tells me that both Yahya and Isa approached her seperately and were unaware of the other having spoken to her, but aware of the other knowing the situation. Maaaaaannn....you have NO idea how annoyed I was at this complete mess of a proposal, or potential proposal. 

But saying that, just because things didn't happen according to how I would have liked them, doesn't mean that I didn't consider this poor fellow at all. But to be honest, I was so surprised at the identity of my potential groom, it took me some time to get over the shock and start giving marriage a thought at all.


Effervescent said...

Is that really a Muslim thing? lol

I think he was just trying to do it in a proper way like without talking to you but it would have been better if he just asked one person and told only 1 person and that one person was like a messenger, not 3 people! Should keep it a bit private atleast.

I guess it's a no to him??

Btw you should check out pratimate, sister Megan Wyatt does online vids about how to find the right person, what to avoid, what person to avoid e.g. the 'Mr. Right Imposter' and I'm just waiting for her to get to the part where she hopefully will talk about how to tell ones parents!

Personally I would give this guy the benefit of the doubt and maybe he didnt want to get so many people involved but he is very much interested and just wanted a ay to get a response... Ive not been in that situation so I dont know how annoying it really is

Anonymous said...

Hehe.. been there, done that! ;)

I feel your pain!

here and there said...

Also depends on the guy...maybe he's really shy? hehe.

btw, I'd like to thank you for ur recent comment on my blog. That mean so much to be cause I know every word u said was true. Thanks RedBerries!!! <3

Anonymous said...

I'll share my similar experience soon. I almost forgot who write on this subject. inshaAllah. SOOOOOOOOOOOOON. I'll write about it. :)